Thursday, September 15, 2011

Re-balancing

I am making an attempt to put my world back together.  Again.
I've been in a dark place.  Again.  I've isolated myself; it hasn't been pretty and I need to re-group.  I have been thinking a lot about what got me there again.  The summer was such a high for me.  I felt like I owned our time and I went to Brave Girl Camp and I wrote out what I wanted from life and I was on TRACK!  Little by little, I stopped doing the things I needed to be doing to take care of myself.  I stopped doing my art (there just isn't time), my prayers were routine, I wasn't going to the gym enough times each week (there isn't enough time) , I wasn't sitting down for 15 minutes each day to breathe deep and focus (there just isn't time), I wasn't drinking enough water (too much running around), I wasn't journaling (I'm too tired at night), I was just skimming over my scriptures and not really learning anything, I was reading too much (of a book that wasn't uplifting me), I wasn't working on a project or trying to finish anything or setting any new goals.  For me, not wanting to complete a project or start a new one is a sure sign that I am not myself.  I let stress and no money and school schedules overcome me and beat me down.  Basically, I let everything slip.  Including my happiness, my patience, my self-respect, my body, myself.  I know this sounds dramatic; and for me, it has been.  I also know its pretty stupid because I KNOW BETTER than to let myself do this.

Two things happened within 48 hours that woke me up to where I was at.  Again.  First, a woman pulled over on the road where I was waiting in the carpool line to pick up my kids from school and screamed at me about how she didn't like our carpool line and that I shouldn't sit exactly where I was.  I yelled back at her.  Then I rolled up my window and asked myself what just happened.  Normally, I would have just smiled and said, 'have a nice day'.   But I actually engaged myself in this ridiculous scene.  I was embarassed.  The following night my two year old was upset with me for not giving him something he wanted right before dinner and so he went over and pulled my camera down off the counter and broke it.  I yelled at him.  I made him feel really sad and he immediately started crying and broke down.  I was embarassed.  He's two and really, how old am I?  And who's fault is it that the camera was not put away in the case so that it was there for him to see?  Mine.  Double strike out.
Since that evening, I've been having all sorts of conversations with myself.  None of which have revealed anything very pretty.  I have come to realize that I know what I need to do to stay in a good place.  I MUST MAKE THE TIME for these things.  The consequences are bad when I don't.  The consequences are good when I do.  Basically, I've been off balance.  I have had too much of some things and not enough or none of others.  I've been spread too thin in all the wrong places; this dillutes me and my happiness and I don't want that anymore.
It sounds so dumb, but I just need to make myself do the things I need to do.  And then I need to TRACK MY PROGRESS.  When I stop recording my results I FORGET that I really do need to do these things.  I need to remember my path and stay true to it.

I need to drink water.  I need to pray.  I need to exercise.  I need to create and paint and do things that bring me happiness.  I need patience and understanding and I only have that when I am taking advantage of what I know from the teachings of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.  I need to snuggle and read with my kids.  I need to be outdoors.  I need to remember my goals and what type of life I really want to lead.  I need to walk into the light and out of the darkness of exhaustion, stress, pain, guilt, and anger.  I need to remember my goals and that I wanted to learn to fly and that starting over again is ok.  I am re-committing today to starting over again, even though I messed up.  Even though my weeks are off and I've missed some and I have to re-focus.  Time to get back in some sort of balance.
Time to sail the ship on the right course again,
E

7 comments:

  1. Jake and I sat down and had a major planning meeting on Monday because we felt like our lives are in chaos. We all need to regroup and refocus at different times. I am glad Christian's surgery went well! Tell him we love him.

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  2. I love you. Your frankness is beautiful. I need to refocus as well. I love this time of year (especially Oct and April) when our prophet, apostles and other leaders during General Conference remind me of what is important and what I should be doing or keep doing. It is like having a new year's resolution twice a year - a new me resolution. I have the bowl with polka-dots on my counter to give to you. I think of you all of the time - whenever I see it, which is many times each day. It makes me smile. You are strong. You are amazing. I'm sailing right along with you, through the tempest and heading towards calmer waters.

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  3. Em. I just love you. I have been in a funk the past few weeks as well...thanks for this! Can't believe you are going to have another little one soon! Can't wait for the pics.
    Love you. Love you. Love you.

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  4. love it! i feel like that more often than i care to admit. moving forward, right? you are a keeper. :)

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  5. Em, You are amazing! I love you with all my heart. I feel so much of what you are saying here. Why do we do this to ourselves??? :)

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  6. Emily, I learn so much from you!! Thank you for your honesty and for sharing the things you learn. You give me hope!! You remind me of Alma the younger after his experience with the angel. He went around teaching others how to better their lives by sharing his challenges and how he overcame them. You are doing the same thing here, at least for me. You are so brave to open yourself like you have, thank you for helping me realize where and how I need to change.

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  7. Do you know how inspiring you are?

    And I have to agree, drinking enough water is one of those small things that makes a crazy huge difference.

    Love you.

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