Thursday, November 4, 2010

Two options

She is wondering if she will ever get things right.  She is frustrated and tired of looking at houses; finding something that will work only to have it not be for her.  She is behind on the laundry.  She hasn't been exercising for weeks.  She eats too many chocolate covered pretzels.  She feels like a burder to her friends and an extreme failure as a mother.  She should be more patient and understanding.  She wants to scream when its bedtime and she is trying to get all five children to fall asleep in the same room.  In her heart she believes and trusts yet at times the darkness surrounds her and she feels heavy and discouraged.  She knows she has blessings yet she is drowning in the mess.  She hasn't been volunteering at school.  She forgets to check the website for what the kids need to bring to school and then causes embarassment to her little loves.  She drives the kids to school in her pajamas and glasses.  She has lost her sense of style.  She wants to write and read and create yet has little to no time to do any of it.  She can't sleep.  She lays there thinking about all the things she is doing wrong and all the ways she is failing.  The baby has a fresh set of stitches.   Her jeans are too tight.  She wonders if she should be working; making money to change this situation.  She feels like she is always behind on everything.  The kids were late to school again.  She wishes it would snow so much that she could hibernate for a while.  She is trying desperately to be brave.  Her daughter cracked her front adult tooth to the nerve - what is going on?  She wonders.  She needs to renew her costco membership.  She misses her art room - how selfish.  She can't answer the question 'how are you?' without fighting back tears.  She feels ridiculous.  She failed with dinner again.  She can't keep anything clean.  She sometimes wishes that quitting was an option.  She has two options - laugh or cry.  She starts to cry; she wants to sob.  She laughs anyway.

E

6 comments:

  1. Love and hugs to one of the neatest women I'm privileged to know.

    I love the thought, "Sometimes God calms the storm, but other times, He lets the storm rage and calms us instead."

    I hope you find some calm. (and I yell at bedtime even though my 4 share 2 rooms).

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  2. Hey you. I was just so pleased to know I am not the only one that didn't get pictures of the kids in costume!:) Thank you for being my kind of girl:)
    I'm so glad in the end you are laughing...but so sad for the rest. You are wonderful and brave and strong and the most meaningful blessing your husband and children know and you aren't perfect, but close enough. Hang in there. Sure love you.

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  3. Em, I sure love you and am praying for you guys to find a house. Please let me know if there is anything I can do to help.
    I am behind on laundry and I yell and cry and I don't have a regular exercise routine now either (and I don't have kids and am not looking for a house) You are way better then me :)

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  4. so much love coming your way from me. i think you are wonderful, frailties and all. hang in there and know you are prayed for from miles away. xo

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  5. Have you heard the saying "If you feel your life is full of crap, it just means God is fertilizing you for something great" There are great things to come my friend. I am sure that every morning when you wake up the advasary says " Oh great she's awake" He will try and try to knock you down but we all know, even if you can't see it right now, there is a light at the end of this tunnel, and when all is said and done you probably wouldnt have changed a thing. You are amazing and beautiful, even in your pj's and glasses. No worries - we are all behind. If everything were perfect we would have nothing to work for or look forward to !!! Sending you my love - I think you are awesome !!!

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  6. I'm so sorry, Emily.. I could have written that post many times over the past few months (except for the one bedroom and oh, my kids are never late to (home)school, but I FREQUENTLY am! lol) but I do genuinely recognize the discouragement, frustration, feelings of failure, etc.. I really hope you find a good place soon! Sorry about Sav's tooth.. :( hang in there!

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