Wednesday, December 15, 2010

she's tired

She's tired of computer crashes and hard drive replacements.  She wonders what she is doing wrong, why nothing can work out.  Her camera needs repairs.   She made the soup too spicy for dinner and the kids were upset.  She's having a hard time feeling like it's really Christmas - should the kids use brown paper sacks for stockings or just not have one?  She can't remember a year without a tree.  She can't keep anything clean or organized and isn't sure she wants to try anymore.  Her kids are adorable and smart and they fight too much.  She wants her life back.  She knows it isn't true but she looks around and it looks like everyone else is living the dream that she can't reach.   She is supposed to get a few Christmas gifts for the kids but really needs to buy a  house, and a fridge, and a washer.  She can't win.  Everything feels too heavy today.  She knows it will get better, she just wonders if it will be in this lifetime?  She complains too much.  She knows she should be thankful in all things, even microwaves without handles, getting out of bed to start a fire at 3 am, being able to move and walk even though it hurts, having a great car even if the doors stopped working and she has to climb through the back, she needs to be thankful.  She has lost her touch - in pretty much every area of her life.  She needs to find the Christmas spirit - even if that means in one bedroom.  It's not what she was prepared for.  Why is she never prepared for what's coming?  Why hasn't she progressed farther than this?  Where are the lucky breaks?  Is she really supposed to love all of this?  She has no more tears to cry.  She raised her voice again today.  She misses her computer and her photos, how silly she is.  She fights on.  She knows there is no other way.  She will get up and do it all again anyway. 

5 comments:

  1. It is for only a mere moment - although it seems like an eternity while we are in the midst of it. This too shall pass and you will look back and see that you were and are not alone. Hopefully the snow will make it seem more like Christmas. Come be snowed in at my house with me. Let's make a tree of handprints of the kids and hang it on your wall. You need some artistic release! Remember Maddie's favorite Bday gift was her scripture marking pencils ... the simple and thoughtful gifts mean the most! I love you. I'm rooting for you. You are a great example. You are sailing on through the tempests that come your way with a great crew. Clear skies are ahead - look forward.

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  2. I love you Em. I can't wait to see you in a short while. You are amazing.

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  3. She'll just keep swimming, just keep swimming, just keep swimming, swimming, swimming.

    I yelled this morning and life is just fine around these parts. Sometimes we're weak, but if we come to Christ, he'll show us where and then make us strong.

    I love you.

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  4. Emily, any sane mother would go insane in a 1 bedroom cottage. Hopefully soon it will all get taken care of and you will be in your dream home. I've been thinking of you. :)

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  5. Who could possibly be prepared for what you are doing right now?!!!! I can't even imagine how incredibly hard this is. Please know that I love you, am praying for you, and honestly think you are amazing and wonderful. Christmas stockings are coming your way! xo

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