she's tired

She's tired of computer crashes and hard drive replacements.  She wonders what she is doing wrong, why nothing can work out.  Her camera needs repairs.   She made the soup too spicy for dinner and the kids were upset.  She's having a hard time feeling like it's really Christmas - should the kids use brown paper sacks for stockings or just not have one?  She can't remember a year without a tree.  She can't keep anything clean or organized and isn't sure she wants to try anymore.  Her kids are adorable and smart and they fight too much.  She wants her life back.  She knows it isn't true but she looks around and it looks like everyone else is living the dream that she can't reach.   She is supposed to get a few Christmas gifts for the kids but really needs to buy a  house, and a fridge, and a washer.  She can't win.  Everything feels too heavy today.  She knows it will get better, she just wonders if it will be in this lifetime?  She complains too much.  She knows she should be thankful in all things, even microwaves without handles, getting out of bed to start a fire at 3 am, being able to move and walk even though it hurts, having a great car even if the doors stopped working and she has to climb through the back, she needs to be thankful.  She has lost her touch - in pretty much every area of her life.  She needs to find the Christmas spirit - even if that means in one bedroom.  It's not what she was prepared for.  Why is she never prepared for what's coming?  Why hasn't she progressed farther than this?  Where are the lucky breaks?  Is she really supposed to love all of this?  She has no more tears to cry.  She raised her voice again today.  She misses her computer and her photos, how silly she is.  She fights on.  She knows there is no other way.  She will get up and do it all again anyway.