Light No. 8

As February draws to a close I have a lot of mixed feelings.  This past week was probably my personally hardest week so far.  It was a collection of a lot of little things that just generally had me angry or frustrated or down.  Yet in the midst of that I had some great times as well.  I guess that's life I am describing!

I found light again by looking into my children's eyes when they spoke to me.  I enjoyed hosting a baby shower for a new friend who recently moved into town from another state.  I really like having people over to the house - it makes me happy to have it full of people whether it is my friends or the children's friends I love it.  At the end of the shower though some of the other moms were talking about their children and conversations they have recently had with them and such.  I went to bed feeling like this:

FAIL

I felt like I had just learned about how these other women have such better relationships with their oldest children than I do and generally are better listeners and connect better with their children.  I was sad, I felt like a complete failure as a mother and I was angry with myself.  I felt especially bad because that day of the shower my children had a snow day and when I heard that school was cancelled I was a bit bugged because I had my day all planned out and now it was turned upside down.  So I was feeling major guilt too for being frustrated with the snow day rather than celebrating the time to spend with them.  I approached the day entirely wrong and I still feel bad about it.  However, that was thursday and this is sunday and we are starting a new week and I have to move on.  I hope I remember to have a better reaction next time (I was also frustrated that I had just spent an hour shoveling REALLY heavy snow to get out of the driveway and now we didn't need to leave and my back was killing me).  Anyway.  I'm still thinking about how to approach my failings in the mother/child relationship area and I'm at least glad to be aware of the huge improvements I need to make.  It makes me feel like a terrible mother, but I'm glad I'm aware.   My poor children.  They are stuck with me.  

Once again this week I was reminded by how blessed my life is with wonderful people in it.  I have felt a strong pull toward my family more and more recently and I wish I could pack up and go driving all over the country to see them all.  I have such a great respect for each of them and how they have barreled through challenges and heartbreaks and how they are trying to be the best they can.  I hope so much I can see everyone this summer and spend time with extended family as well.  I miss them.  I have friends who bless my life so much as well and this week it was fun to get together with a few of them and also to chat with a dear friend who lives in Hong Kong and always has great perspectives for me to consider.  

This week overall I felt a little ragged because the LIGHT shined so much on areas I need to improve.  I had moments of illumination that showed me areas that I really need to get to work on and it bogged me down a little.  I also realized that the little moments of light and joy come not in huge accomplishments but in the little things.  I laid out a picnic lunch for my little ones on the carpet when it was snowing outside.  I helped them build an airplane as well so they could fly to the beach.  I watched and laughed with them as they tried diva sunglasses on their baby sister.  I spent 30 minutes at the sewing machine.  I had a great talk with a friend.  I got to the gym twice.  I wrote in my journal and listened to a great TED talk about love and being vulnerable.  I organized several areas in my kitchen that have been bothering me.  I tried a new dinner recipe.  I didn't forget about piano lessons.  I finally turned in the paperwork at school for kindergarton next year.  I mailed birthday cards.  I didn't give up.  I guess that's the main thing.  

Sailing on, 

E