Thursday, June 7, 2012

Light No. 22

I thought that with summer break would come a slowed pace; calm and quiet and slow moving days filled with home activities.  I was mistaken!  Our internet router went out so that has left me without my usual convenieces -- I realized how much I use the internet for little things like doctors office addresses and phone numbers, directions and of course blogging.

I had some special time with Clark and Faye every morning early as we watched Emma and Madeline at swim team.  The best part about swim team is how exhausting it is and how well these girls sleep at night.  That, and to see their rapidly improving skills.  Our summer challenge continued to move forward quite well and our days quickly filled up with many many things.

Kurt had a little visit to the emergency room after puncturing his arm with a saw {fyi, never, never text your wife and say"cut my arm with my saw, at hospital, don't worry"} that is the point at which I begin to image the very worst and picture a severed arm hanging on only slightly.  All is well and how he is up to date on his tetanus shot!

We had a wonderful night at the rodeo with our superstar Muttin Busters, Emma and Christian.  Faye was able to have a special night with Grandma and Grandpa which made the evening easier for me.  What is it about the rodeo that I love?  Boots, dirt, horses, bulls, snow cones, hats, buckles, smiles on my childrens' faces, sitting in the stands and watching them hold onto sheep and do something brave, feeling happy and at ease with that small-town feeling.  I love the clowns, the lights, the chaps, the roping and the barebacks bucking and kicking.  I love it all.

All in all, it was one of those weeks where I had several exciting, fantastic moments mixed in with longer hours of wanting to be someone else -- wanting to be able to fast forward my life to the point where my personality flaws are overcome and mastered and where I don't do any foolish things {ie: push my friends' dauther too hard on the zip line at the park and have her fall and break her arm badly enough to need surgery to put a pin in it}.  I had many hours of wondering if I am in fact on the right track with some of the points I am working on and then reminding myself from somewhere deep within me that this thing, this motherhood, this striving and working with all of my strength is something I was always meant to do; something that in the end will be what matters the very most to me above anything I did decorating my home or serving others or making a career for myself.  I know it deep within me and yet sometimes I still get stuck out there questioning it when the going gets tough.  What I don't yet know is how to overcome so many of the never ending flaws that lie within me and how to change my life time reactions and habits to better ones - how to truly become who I am meant to be.  I'm still trying to get off the ground; and to think last year I thought I would learn to fly.

I'm still here; I'm looking for the light and seeing it through the clouds a lot.  I'm feeling blessed and watched over and frustrated and tired all at once.  I think that's how it's supposed to feel.  All the while; striving to be who I need to be.
Sailing on,
E

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