Monday, July 16, 2012

Light No. 27 & 28

The time is flying!

We are freshly back from our annual beach vacation and while I unload suitcases and do laundry all morning I'm mowing the jungle grass in the backyard and missing the sound of the ocean and the feel of the sand in between my toes.  I'm also thrilled to have slept in my own bed last night.  You can't have it all, right?
The past two weeks have been so much fun it's hard to even remember it all.  Is that possible?  I have to sit here and look at the calendar to break down all that we have done.  I do this silly thing every time I get ready to leave town:  I run around trying to finish every little thing I have left unfinished for the past four months.  For some reason projects, messes, and other miscelaneous ignored items that I have been living with just fine are suddenly blaring at me and driving me crazy.  I must have this subconscious fear that if I never return someone else will come in and see how I live and that will seal the deal and the word will be out on the street; then everyone will know I'm crazy.  It's a lose / lose situation - there is no way I ever get to it all and I end up leaving anyway.  It does get me moving to leave the house all cleaned up and the kids clothes stacked neatly, which is a nice sight to return home to.  There is a lot I still didn't get to but over all I'm pleased with the way I left the house!  Coming home today and living in it again, well, that's a different story :).

I love the light at the beach; it reminds me of so many important parts of my life.  I love feeling Grandpa close by while staying at his house.  I had so much fun just watching my children play and smile and run and be happy and even be not so happy.  It was overall a good week.  I really worked hard to set aside my own insecurities about being on the beach and just focus on having a great time with my family.  It was a blast.

I have so many different cracks in my personality that I am really hoping the light can shine in there and fix things up.  I'm learning that taking care of things is a big deal to me.  Everything in life needs care and maintenance if you want it to continue working properly.  I'm understanding that I have to be the very best example my children ever see because they see a lot of me.  Do you know how often I am not doing that very well?  I'm beginning to ask myself this question before I respond "is what I am about to say and how I am about to say it something I would want my child to repeat back to me or to someone else?"  It brings me up short more often than not, I'm sorry to say.  It is amazing how when I keep my voice soft the entire houses stays quieter and more at peace.  It sounds so easy, and many years ago it was.  It gets trickier now that more personalities are involved; offenses are targeted to hurt, sleep is fewer and fewer hours, and sometimes it just plain wears on me.  Overall, I'm coming back from vacation with happy memories, sand, and a determination to be who I am - just to do a better job of it.

Sailing on,


  1. wow, Emma must have been really mad at something :)

  2. Blogger and I weren't getting along the other night when I read this post and tried to comment on it. Frustrating, since I really had some thoughts I wanted to share!

    One of the things this post got me thinking about was the fact that yes, our goal is for our kids to see us be a shining example of everything good. That's the ideal, of course!

    BUT, I wonder sometimes if it's great for them to see us when we're not the ideal, too. To realize that it's not possible to be perfect (wouldn't that be something nice for them to realize when they're older and to realize it because their mom wasn't perfect!) but it's still possible to be good and loving and be a good parent.

    I don't know what I'm getting at here --- I just think it's so easy to be angry with ourselves for imperfection, but it's destructive to our families. And it's good for them to know that we can be good without being perfect and that, while we're always striving for improvement, sometimes it just doesn't happen.