Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Light No. 41

I feel pretty serious after typing that number, 41.  41 Seems like a lot of weeks and makes me wonder if I have really made any improvments this year at all?  I feel like the more I learn, the less I know.  
What I do know is this:  the remaining 11 weeks of this year I need to shine light out in front me to find the path that will lead me on my quest to return to me.

I'm sure that sounds funny; return to myself.  Over the course of the last 5 years I have spent some time in dark and dreary places.  While struggling to find my way out and to find my new future I've lost parts of me along the way.  I'm not proud to say that some of the best parts of me are the pieces that were broken and lost and they have been replaced by faults and failings; in some ways I have tried so hard just to keep moving; to take one more step that I lost sight of who I am meant to be.  I misplaced my soft voices and my patience, my trust in others and compassion; traits which had previously come to me so easily.

I had some great realizations this week in my parenting reflections and was happy to have some clarification about where and how I need to change and improve.  Why are these lessons so hard for me to learn?  It's time to find my true self again; I have this upcoming holiday season to give myself back as a true gift to my family and friends, even to the world around me.  I can find that which has been lost and bring it back to where it really belongs.

The house is noisy and messy this week with all of the childrean home from school.  I'm not worried about the messes and the noise and the crumbs all over the floor.  I'm catching up on laundry and putting up a few holiday decorations.  It is decidedly more fun to have them around smiling and laughing and raking leaves than it was last week rushing them out the door to school with a sore neck and telling them to just buy hot lunch because I couldn't muster the energy to pack lunches.

Physical therapy began.  I'm moving a little better and with less pain and that is wonderful.  Clark upgraded his cast for a brace.  We started our fall break from school.  We picked up a rental car that the insurance company is covering for now.  Faye had another laser treatment on her birthmark on her face.    She also poked a new tooth through and woke up every night around 3 am.

I felt a lot of tender mercies and had many reminders of what I can be thankful for.  I also had the huge realization that my quest for the remainder of this year is to return to myself.  I haven't seen this smile in years and I want it back {oh and I'll take that weight and body too :} Pray for me; I'll need it.

Sailing On,

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