Monday, October 22, 2012

Light No. 42

It was a week of fall break; a week of a messy house; going to the zoo, the swimming pool, the park.  A week of sleeping in and playing in the yard, attending birthday parties, and gathering fallen leaves.  It was a fun soccer week, I love watching my children play.

In some ways I feel suspended in time; waiting to hear from the insurance company about the van, driving a rental car that is not my own and yet seems more familiar the longer we drive it.  We are narrowing down our choices of what we would like to purchase and yet cannot do that until we get a check from the insurance company, who seems to have us on hold, so the saga continues.

I feel like I made some good progress this past week in finding the light inside myself again.  I was given a fresh perspective on my children and how I can better deal with some of their behavior patterns.      I took time to attend the temple and to sit quietly for a while -- something I always want to do and yet never have time for.  I worked hard to get several things in order for upcoming events that have taken so much effort on my part which no one will ever know or notice and yet which I feel is paramout to the success of a particular child in school, the same child who told me this last week that they would like it if I went away on vacation by myself.

I'm frustrated, thankful, tired and failing at most things.  But here I am, trying again.  I'll get up tomorrow morning and pack the lunches and wash the dishes and do the laundry and bathe the baby and do my workout and prepare dinner.  I'll send the children off to school and get as much accomplished as I possibly can in one day, all the while trying to fight off that voice, the one that comes in the darkness that says "You are not good enough, you are not thin enough, you are not smart enough, you are not doing this the right way".  And then I'll try again the next day.  And maybe, after trying enough days and listening enough to the right voice, the one that speaks in light and truth, I can be the whole person I am supposed to be.  Until then, I guess I'll keep trying.

Is there another option?
Sailing On,

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