Tuesday, October 30, 2012

Light No. 43

Here I am, running behind yet again.  There is so much going on and yet I don't know what it is that I am so busy with.  It was a good week; one where I saw a lot of light shining in the smiling faces of my children.  The snow was a blast to play in and to have it followed by warm weather again is an added bonus.  I laughed out loud when I turned and saw this little lady at the door; wanting to take it all in and not miss out on anything.  What a ray of sunshine she is for all of us.
Clark is not a little boy anymore and I am slowly coming to terms with that.  For so long he has been my little so dependant boy.  I'm happy and grateful that his body is bigger and stronger than ever and that he seems to have most of his health challenges behind him.  The attitude that is coming with his almost four year old self I could do without.  Even so, he is adorable and constantly makes us smile.  I only wish he were a little more inclined to get buckled into his car seat when I ask him to.  We need to work on that.  
I love soccer yet we are running a little ragged from it all; ready for a break after we finish out this week and get the makeup games scheduled and wrapped up.  I love the way I feel two days after physical therapy but not so much the going and the in between part where it just hurts.  I love the crisp air, the crunch of leaves, the geese flying, the flower beds put to rest, the children coming inside more to color and play with playdough.  I love the late night football games in the front yard with cousins and the whispers in the early mornings when they think I can't hear them.  I love the quiet house in the morning and wearing my slippers on the cold floor and making hot cocoa and cinnamon bread before the children are awakened for school.  I love playing tag in the front yard with my sons and feeling that tightness in my chest from running and laughing so hard at the same time.  I love watching Faye take a few steps and trying out her legs while we all watch and cheer.   I love witnessing a dog pile on dad on a sunday afternoon; spending time together just being a family.  There are so many bright moments to love this past week -- I'm so glad I finally sat down to remember them all. 
We were able to celebrate a special birthday with close friends; attend a wonderful Halloween party at the church then ended with sugar filled but ecstatic children.  We had the chance to see all of the hard work my brother and his wife are doing on their newly purchased home and paint with them for a few hours.  
Even as I write this we are well into a new week and yet  I can still bask in the light of what has taken place just a few days ago.  That's pretty great.  
Sailing on, 

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Costume Planning

A few nights ago we were going through the Halloween box looking for costumes for everyone this year.  Clark pulled out a while pillowcase that had holes for the head and arms in it and told me that he knew what he was going to be.  What?  I asked.
" a baby Heavenly Father".

He makes me smile so much.  I had to remember this.

Monday, October 22, 2012

Light No. 42

It was a week of fall break; a week of a messy house; going to the zoo, the swimming pool, the park.  A week of sleeping in and playing in the yard, attending birthday parties, and gathering fallen leaves.  It was a fun soccer week, I love watching my children play.

In some ways I feel suspended in time; waiting to hear from the insurance company about the van, driving a rental car that is not my own and yet seems more familiar the longer we drive it.  We are narrowing down our choices of what we would like to purchase and yet cannot do that until we get a check from the insurance company, who seems to have us on hold, so the saga continues.

I feel like I made some good progress this past week in finding the light inside myself again.  I was given a fresh perspective on my children and how I can better deal with some of their behavior patterns.      I took time to attend the temple and to sit quietly for a while -- something I always want to do and yet never have time for.  I worked hard to get several things in order for upcoming events that have taken so much effort on my part which no one will ever know or notice and yet which I feel is paramout to the success of a particular child in school, the same child who told me this last week that they would like it if I went away on vacation by myself.

I'm frustrated, thankful, tired and failing at most things.  But here I am, trying again.  I'll get up tomorrow morning and pack the lunches and wash the dishes and do the laundry and bathe the baby and do my workout and prepare dinner.  I'll send the children off to school and get as much accomplished as I possibly can in one day, all the while trying to fight off that voice, the one that comes in the darkness that says "You are not good enough, you are not thin enough, you are not smart enough, you are not doing this the right way".  And then I'll try again the next day.  And maybe, after trying enough days and listening enough to the right voice, the one that speaks in light and truth, I can be the whole person I am supposed to be.  Until then, I guess I'll keep trying.

Is there another option?
Sailing On,

Friday, October 19, 2012

Photo Favorite

I love this photo; I'm not sure why.  Faye is moving around the house so rapidly now.  We are trying to teach her how to come down the stairs on her stomach but so far the only thing she has tried is putting her head back and sliding down on her back.  Silly.  Her other favorite thing to do right now is to chew on socks and shoes.

Thursday, October 18, 2012

A Prayer Story

A few weeks ago, saturday morning the house was awake with early morning activity; everyone running around to find their correct color soccer jersey; socks, shinguards and cleats.  Filling up water bottles and getting assigned to which car they needed to be in to get to their field at the correct time.  Kurt left with most of the kids to get to Christian's game and then go straight to Savanna's.  Because I coach Emma's team I stayed behind to go to her game and then meet up with Kurt.  I ran upstairs to get in the shower really quickly before we left.

Sadly, Emma thought I had left and wasn't aware that I was upstairs in the shower.  She went outside on the driveway and saw that dad's van was gone and was scared that she was left behind by mistake.  Emma decided to kneel down in the driveway and say a prayer that she would know what to do and that we would come back for her.
this is a picture she drew for me the next day of her being sad and scared, kneeling down in the driveway to say a prayer.  {notice the tears falling}

After finishing her prayer; she told me:
"Right after I said the prayer I stood up and then I had an idea I knew that Heavenly Father gave me!  I knew I should go inside and call someone on the phone."

She came back in the house, picked up the home phone and began to scroll through the caller id until she recognized a number;  Grandma's cell phone.  She called Grandma and asked for help.

At this point I walked down the stairs into the kitchen and saw her standing there on the phone.  I saw her tear stained cheecks and hugged her and found out what was going on.  I felt so bad that she thought she was home all alone and that I hadn't clearly communicated to her that I was still home and that she would be riding with me after I showered.

I talked to my mom and explained to her that I was home and that Emma was ok.   Then I told Emma how proud I was of her grown up five year old self for kneeling down to pray for help; for recognizing that the idea to call someone for help had come from Heavenly Father, and for calling Grandma.  I was so impressed with her for settling down and finding a solution.

I am very thankful for a loving God who answers prayers, who listens to five year old girls who are scared and think they are alone.  I am also thankful for a smart five year old daughter who knew that God would indeed answer her prayer and didn't hesitate to ask for His help.  Oh the things we can learn from our children.

This is the picture she drew of how she was happy when she saw me and I gave her a hug


Wednesday, October 17, 2012

This season...

I love the fall.  This time of year is so beautiful.  The cool air, the colors, the perfect light.
Sometimes the leaves fall off the trees and other times children force the leaves from the trees.  
It's the time when we get to start having hot chocolate for breakfast; warm oatmeal and fresh whipped cream.  It means bulb planting for spring and preparing garden beds for winter.  It means taking a break from lawn mowing and shoveling snow instead.  Everywhere I look this week I am struck by the beauty that is just sitting there waiting to be enjoyed.  

I'm so thankful that my children reminded me that we should walk to the park just because it was gorgeous outside.  These are moments that are too easily missed. 
Emma chose the perfect attire for playing at the park, wouldn't you say? 
All of it makes me smile.  
Happy Fall, 

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Light No. 41

I feel pretty serious after typing that number, 41.  41 Seems like a lot of weeks and makes me wonder if I have really made any improvments this year at all?  I feel like the more I learn, the less I know.  
What I do know is this:  the remaining 11 weeks of this year I need to shine light out in front me to find the path that will lead me on my quest to return to me.

I'm sure that sounds funny; return to myself.  Over the course of the last 5 years I have spent some time in dark and dreary places.  While struggling to find my way out and to find my new future I've lost parts of me along the way.  I'm not proud to say that some of the best parts of me are the pieces that were broken and lost and they have been replaced by faults and failings; in some ways I have tried so hard just to keep moving; to take one more step that I lost sight of who I am meant to be.  I misplaced my soft voices and my patience, my trust in others and compassion; traits which had previously come to me so easily.

I had some great realizations this week in my parenting reflections and was happy to have some clarification about where and how I need to change and improve.  Why are these lessons so hard for me to learn?  It's time to find my true self again; I have this upcoming holiday season to give myself back as a true gift to my family and friends, even to the world around me.  I can find that which has been lost and bring it back to where it really belongs.

The house is noisy and messy this week with all of the childrean home from school.  I'm not worried about the messes and the noise and the crumbs all over the floor.  I'm catching up on laundry and putting up a few holiday decorations.  It is decidedly more fun to have them around smiling and laughing and raking leaves than it was last week rushing them out the door to school with a sore neck and telling them to just buy hot lunch because I couldn't muster the energy to pack lunches.

Physical therapy began.  I'm moving a little better and with less pain and that is wonderful.  Clark upgraded his cast for a brace.  We started our fall break from school.  We picked up a rental car that the insurance company is covering for now.  Faye had another laser treatment on her birthmark on her face.    She also poked a new tooth through and woke up every night around 3 am.

I felt a lot of tender mercies and had many reminders of what I can be thankful for.  I also had the huge realization that my quest for the remainder of this year is to return to myself.  I haven't seen this smile in years and I want it back {oh and I'll take that weight and body too :} Pray for me; I'll need it.

Sailing On,

Friday, October 12, 2012

Photo Favorite

This cute little girl is just tall enough now to reach her chubby fingers up and hit a few piano keys.  The other day when I heard the top keys of the piano tinkling I realized it had to be her.  So cute.

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Memo to me

Is it ok to cry over a vehicle?

Monday, October 8, 2012

Sad Day

I had a sad day today in which I felt frustrated with life, got upset, cried for a while, took a long hot shower, cried again, pulled myself together and listened to a conference talk.  Then I finished painting some pumpkins, went to the doctor and ate Cafe Rio.  Now I feel much better.  The heat and the muscle relaxers are helping too.

Sailing on,

Sunday, October 7, 2012

Light No. 40

This week has had an interesting juxtaposition of highs and lows.  
Christian's birthday, having friends and cousins over, first snow, beautiful fall colors, getting the house cleaned up, listening to General Conference and spending time at my parents' home.  

It was a great weekend, celebrating Christian's baptism with family and friends.  It was a very sweet service and we are so very proud of Christian and his choice to become an official member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints

A few hours before the baptism we were involved in a scary car accident that shook us up and makes me so grateful that we are watched over and protected the way that we are.  It could have been so much worse.  There are so many tender mercies involved I cannot doubt Heavenly Father preserving us and watching over us even in the very moment that we crashed.  It is going to take some time to sort through everything and get my body back to active pain free condition but I'm thankful that I am ok, that all of my children are safe, and that Kurt wasn't hurt. 

Low points: 
The van that I love is crashed.  Savanna strained her neck.  My body hurts.  All of this is expensive.  I know it's silly but I'm sad about the van, and I'm sad about my back and neck.  I'm already driving myself crazy not being able to move around and do all that I need to do.  And it's only day 2. 

Sailing on, 

Wednesday, October 3, 2012

Snowmass Village getaway

This past weekend we had a wonderful getaway to the mountains.  Kurt had the awesome foresight to purchase a groupon several months back for a great deal so we could take our family up to enoy the fall colors.  It was so beautiful I couldn't stop myself from saying it over and over again.

The trip was perfect; out of town but not too far, the condo was beautiful and fit all of us nicely, the weather could not have been more perfect.  This is a weekend I will not soon forget for many reasons.

The children were so happy without a single toy, electronic device or activity of entertainment.  We hiked and swam, relaxed in the hot tub and went to Aspen in the evening for dinner.  We saw deer, elk, foxes, and a bear cub.  Actually the bear cub walked right in between us while I was taking family photos.  It was a pretty great experience for all of us.

I'm not sure whether to laugh or cry at my attemps to take a family photo.  I realized it's really just a numbers game and when you get 8 members in the family the odds of someone crying go up; they just do.  I can  usually get 4 children smiling but 6, that's a tall order.  Ah well, at least our photos are keeping it real for us.

For some reaason my children who didn't want to take family photos will hold perfectly still for a long period of time if wearing a mustache. ???

On the way home we drove over Independence Pass and stopped at the summit, above treeline.  It was chilly and I could feel the altitude in my lungs.  It was a beautiful but long drive home from there on windy roads.  
It was a happy weekend.  I'm so glad we did it!  Thanks Kurt. 

Tuesday, October 2, 2012

Eight is Great

This handsome boy turned 8 years old yesterday.  

The day began with breakfast in bed and opening up a few gifts.  Then it was time to go to school.  Kurt and I picked him up for lunch and treated him to Chick-Fil-A, sending him back to school with birthday treats for the class.  Last night we had a fun birthday dinner with family here to help us enjoy it.  As we continued the tradition of going around the table saying what we all love about Christian, I was able to be reminded of what a truly wonderful young man my son is and how thankful I am for him in my life and in our family.  His influcence has always been one of good in our home.  He is a delightful boy; those are the exact words that every teacher in school or coach in a sport always says about him.  

He was very excited about his new scriptures from Grandma and Grandpa; he made sure to read them last night before he went to bed. 

I love this boy!  We are looking forward to a fun weekend as he has chosen to be baptized a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints on friday.  


Monday, October 1, 2012

Light No. 39

I'm late again on my writing here for lack of time and energy late at night!

The week was wonderful.  Everything I was going to say about it has escaped me again as another day has come and gone.  Somehow it is just so much easier for me to think of life in snapshots.  I can't even remember what seemed so difficult last week.  I do remember that we have had several tender mercies; and again I can testify that my Heavenly Father personally watches over me and my family.  He blesses us with things that only He can even know that we need.  He reminds me that family is what matters.

Sailing On,

I remembered some things I want to record:
Clark got his cast on and has been an absolute champ about it with no complaining.  I had my final leg surgery and am glad to have that behind me.  We got my van back out of the shop and it is so great to have the space again, I cannot tell you how much I LOVE my Eurovan.  We didn't look perfect and had some bumps getting all the children to school but we did have family prayer, family scripture study, and hugs and kisses.  That has to count for something, at least with the right person.